Letter from the Hamptons

Dear Rod,

Hope you are enjoying Jersey. I’m sure you are having a much needed champagne getaway. I am sitting at Jamie’s breakfast table struggling with a cup of coffee and a hangover as Marika makes breakfast. I thought I would fill you in on what’s been happening since you have been away.

First off- how dare you leave when its Fleet Week! Lucy met me at work on Thursday night and we had a cocktail or two and decided that we simply must entertain the troops. With men in mind we find a local Mexican joint with a goofy looking marine smoking outside. We walk inside and find 20 men doing shots and making out with some real ugly girls. Obviously we were coming in mid party.

I, dressed in a suit and blackamoore broach asked, “Hey can we join your party?!” and I get a rough, “No!” from a bulky naval officer. I was shocked but not surprised. Then they all see that I am with beautiful and blond Lucy and they all plead forgiveness and yell, “Come on over!”

We order Margharitas and meet all the boys, who are mostly from Pennsylvania and have never been to the city. They gloat of their tours through Time Square and 5th Avenue and invite us to a place called Rosie’s for hot dogs later since it is near their ship.
Lucy pouts her lips and furrows her brow and declares, “We don’t do hot dogs. How bout we take you boys on a tour of the meat packing district?” This garners a big ole yeehaw and a little grumble from the ugly girls who are no longer getting their annual feel up. After a round of flaming shots (a flaming Mame?!) and pictures of us in their hats and them in mine, we head out the door.

Rod darling I cant tell you the ego trip it is to walk down 14th street with 4 Marines and 4 Navy boys! People stopped and stared and I even had random gay men run up to me and say, “Girl, how did you pull that off?” I retorted, “by hanging out with a big boobed blond, sister.” I think the last round of shots were mixed with Spanish fly because these boys were crusin’ for action. My favorite marine who was super hot and super cocky walked my a woman walking a dog and said, “Well hello little doggy! Must be nice to be petted by such a fine master!” This woman nearly pulled up her skirt and bent over she was so excited. What a man in uniform will do! The next victim was a hot Asian girl in a red coat. My man began serenading her with “Lady in Red” and she ditched her friends and came with us. We took the boys to the Hog Pit, a mom and pops Hooters type of place. They were thrilled and so were the girls. One of the officers fell madly in love with Lucy and she was just not having it. We sat in the corner and rehearsed the speech she would deliver to let him down easily that she was not interested and had to leave. When le officer approached she turned on the acting switch and began her performance. “You are such a sweet man and I wish you the best, but I simply must leave you at this time because...” Before she could get out her sob story he said, “OK, bye!” and walked away.

At this point I fell over laughing. She was a drop in the bucket for this champ and he was on to the next lady. Lucy was miffed, I was tickled and we left. Somehow on the way to dinner we run into the deserter again and he turns on his acting switch and comes bounding down the street to meet Lucy and swings around a poll declaring his love. Lucy gives him the ultimate eye roll and then he scoopes her up and holds her tight asking for her number. I step in as her PR agent and give him my card and tell him to call us next week. I get the evil eye from Lucy as he lets her go and bounds back up the street.

Lucy and I pull a Rod Keenan and forget about dinner and head to some gay bars. We want to see if any Fleet Weekers are openly flaunting their wares to the gays. We hit XL and Hiro and find nary a man in uniform. Insisting on creating more scandal Lucy and I go to the upstairs bar at XL which is closed off for the night for some reason. We thought that we could get a much better view of the crown from up there. As I am standing in the dark bar overlooking the crowd I hear a scuffle behind me. Lucy has climbed behind the bar and was making us G&T’s. With our cocktails in hand we head back downstairs, chat up some boys and then remember our dinner plans.
We dash over to El Cid for tapas and a pitcher of Sangria (a pitcher only serves 4 glasses since it has so much fruit and ice in it, thank you very much) before heading back to 202 and 206. Lucy is now determined to be on the Fleet Week event committee next year and have a proper booze fest at her home. We will see how far she gets with that one.

Friday I interviewed some cute boys for Genre and then headed out here on the 4PM train. Jonathan picked me up in the egg cream colored Rolls, aka banana boat. Just as he was telling me how much he hates driving that show car because everyone knows that its Jamie’s and it such a spotlight for attention, a car drives by honking and waving at us. It’s one of Jonathan’s ex boyfriends and he yells out, “Hey! Nice car!” and begins cackling. Jonathan rolls his eyes and whines, “See!”

My favorite guest of the weekend was Mary Jane who twirled in about 3PM just after we had all been at the pool. She saunters into the back garden in a pair of white tight jeans, a pink cashmere sweater and massive Chanel glasses. Her piece de resistance was a 1950’s bangle bracelet in gold with dazzling diamonds at each link. She is syrupy sweet and is an absolute riot.

My least favorite guest was asking me how I have been and I said, “Well my writing career is very promising! I feel like its up and coming!”
He throatily replied, “Well that’s how I like my boys, UP and CUMMING.”
Gross!

With that the Studio 54 soundtrack came one. Jason brought in the after dinner drinks and everyone began dancing in the living room. I had a great bourbon called Fighting Cock. Divine! MJ was lit and we did the bump and Jamie and Jason waltzed around the room. At one point MJ flips out and Jason asks what the matter. She pulls an alteration pin from her crotch that had been left in. Jason looked at her and said, “Well did it hurt or tickle?” I thought we were all going to pass out we laughed so hard.

The night wound down and everyone said goodbye. Of course one creepy man slipped me the tounge when he kissed me good night. Eeeew! Toothpaste post haste.

It is now Sunday morning and Tali should be arriving shortly. Will fill you in on the rest when you return!

Love,
Cator

The holy ghost shops at Staples

As anyone knows who has spent time in Harlem, Sunday is the busiest day in the neighborhood. Every church is packed and the fashion parade of shark skin suits and monochromatic pastel hats, dresses, hose and shoes is more exciting than Paris fashion week. The scent of fried chicken permeates the air.

Last Sunday after a rebel rousing night the night before I simply had to run errands I had been putting off for days.
My Holly Golightly neighbor, Lucy and I headed to 125th Street admiring the ladies outside of their respective churches in cotton candy headgear. We make a major dent in Marshalls but when it was time to head into Staples, Lucy feigned illness and I darkened the door alone.

It was around 2PM and church had just let out but for one dear lady in Staples, her church service hadn't quite ended.
Wearing a floral print blouse and a bright yellow skirt she donned a royal blue turban with a brooch pinned to the front like a metropolitan Maharini. On her way to the copy center she bent over, grabbed onto a pile of recycled paper, let out a loud holler and proclaimed, "Oh Lord! Thank you! Oh lawd! Oooooh mercy me! Oh he is a good Lord! Yes! I hear you lord! Thank you!"

While this was happening her head was shaking her feet were stomping and her entire body was jittering.
I whipped out my phone in a panic to call 911 thinking she was having a heart attack, but nobody else even noticed her.
Then a calm and cool pair of ladies breezed by and without even blinking declared, "That's right girl. Work it out. Someone found the holy spirit a bit late today."
"Well at least she found it honey," sighed the other.
"I say amen to that."

Once she let out a couple more Hallelujahs, Amens and Thank you's she picked herself up and went on with her business like nothing happened. I proceeded to buy my camera battery and will never think of Saint Staples the same way again.